Once infidelity has been discovered within a marriage or a long-term union, the impact can have long lasting repercussions that are often difficult to move beyond. One of the most obvious of long term effects one may experience, is the feeling of unworthiness and a sense of deflation to one’s self-esteem. An array of emotions, often comes from the awareness that one’s partner has broken the agreement to remain monogamous within their union, however with time many of these intense feelings, such as anger will dissipate. It is the long-term wounding in which will require effort to heal. It is through one’s willingness to use the experience of unfaithfulness as a catalyst to grow and move beyond feelings of insecurity, in which one can rebuild their own sense of self and create a new and empowering life experience
Letting Go Of Blame, Shame, and Guilt.
In the midst of so many various emotions one may feel once it is discovered that their partner has been unfaithful, it is common to oscillate between blaming one’s partner, the third party, and often times, even oneself. Infidelity within a union can be incredibly damaging and uniquely different based on each individuals experience. Some choose to stay and work things out, and some choose to leave, however the pain is real and is felt no matter what the situation might be. I have played witness to various client’s whom after thirty years or more of marriage, they discover that not only has their partner been unfaithful, but that their partner has made the decision to leave their union in order to commit to the third party. In these circumstances, one may find their time of healing more difficult, simply due to the fact that so much of their life had been built around their spouse. My own experience with infidelity was a little bit different, and although it cannot be compared to someone who felt forced to leave a union after spending half their life building with that other person, it was incredibly painful none the less. I was young and I had been married for seven years, and together we shared a five year old daughter and a one year old son. I remember the morning, my husband left our marriage as if it was yesterday. I was making breakfast, and he was acting different, somewhat distant. He was leaving for the day and I had walked over to his truck to see what was going on, and I was acutely aware of the way he looked at me. I felt as if he was almost repulsed by me. This particular morning my hair was disheveled and I had allowed myself to gain a bit of weight, in which I was trying to hide in baggy clothes. He brushed me off, and I went inside disturbed, so I called him, and it was over the phone he had mustered up the strength to declare his desire for a divorce. At first I was in shock, and I had desperately tried to gather my thoughts in order to make sense of what had happened. It didn’t take long before I would discover he had immediately moved in and started a relationship with someone else. They hadn’t lived far from me, so I would often see them together, which caused me an excruciating amount of pain. I blamed my husband, making him out to be an evil villain inside my mind, yet I may have blamed his new partner even more, however in my more quiet moments, I blamed myself the most. I thought about the weight I had gained, and that I could have made more time to nurture my husbands needs. I thought about how I could have been better, more attractive, and even more fun. My self-esteem had been obliterated into a million pieces and it took quite some time for me to quit playing the blame game. The thing I have found is that, working on your mind and how you think about things is truly the key to setting yourself free. I realized that no one is usually seeking to hurt anyone, most of us are just trying to be happy. This thought had truly helped to free me from blame and guilt. I recognized my husband was only trying to find happiness, and he would have avoided causing me pain if he could have. I believe his partner was looking for love, and it is easy to believe a story that makes an affair okay, especially when there is the possibility of a future with that person. Most importantly, I forgave myself for any guilt of not being enough because I also acknowledged the truth that I also was not happy, and any physical manifestations of this was merely an indicator that change truly did need to occur. As I mentioned before, each one of our experiences are unique, however I encourage anyone struggling with healing after discovering their partner was unfaithful to look at it with an open mind and heart. Sometimes, we get so sick of being sad, that it feels almost good to be mad and honestly I believe this stage is part of the process to heal because it reminds us of the strength we still have, yet at some point if you truly want to heal and move beyond pain, one’s intention must be set on forgiveness. It is when we forgive ourselves and others, in which we free ourselves from the bondage of blame and guilt, allowing ourselves to step into a new experience of possibility.
Creating A Life That Nourishes You
It is imperative to create a life that is nourishing to one’s self-esteem, especially after experiencing a trauma such as infidelity. This is mostly because there is often times a certain sense of security and a level of self-worth one may experience from being in a long term union, however it is when one feels rejected or abandoned from that source of validation that it is necessary to take active measures towards affirming one’s self-worth. We can do this by creating routines within our daily lives that cause us to feel good about ourselves and add to our inner peace, such as working out, practicing yoga, eating healthy, meditating, taking extra effort when getting ready for the day, and even wearing something that makes us feel really attractive or even powerful. Another way to build ourselves up is to take a good hard look at what and who you are allowing in your life and ask yourself, if it is nourishing or depleting you. Anytime we are recovering from trauma, we are more susceptible and sensitive to all that is going on around us. Essentially we are raw and are in need of only things and people that will lift our spirits up. This is why it is important to be extremely intentional with the choices we make. When making social plans, try to make an effort to do things that will cause you to laugh and feel a sense of empowerment. This may look like going on a hike with girlfriends or maybe you take a pole dancing class and end up walking away with feeling sexy and more confident. The point is to treat yourself like a small child that is in need of nurturance and love. This will not only help to nurse you back to feeling whole and empowered, but also in addition it creates a new sense of normalcy which produces healthier experiences which in turn will set your internal bar of standards much higher. It goes without saying, that healing from the betrayal of infidelity is not easy and there will be days on your path that you may find yourself giving into self-destructive behaviors. This is completely normal when we feel hurt and our emotions are running high, however I promise you the only path to healing is through self-care, love, and nurturance, therefore if you do engage in self-destruction be mindful to make it a temporal experience by returning to the path that affirms your highest worth.
New Beginnings
Anytime we feel betrayed or hurt by someone we love, it can be challenging to look at the bright side of anything, however I can assure you that the sun will surely shine again. Some people can and do allow themselves to drown in their sorrows, yet it doesn’t have to be this way. We can move beyond our most unwanted circumstances by having the simple willingness to feel joy. Everyone experiences ebbs and flows, and some days it can be challenging to come from a place of gratitude, especially when we are hurting. It is when we set our intentions on doing the things in which we love, that it is almost impossible not to create a new life-experience. The truth is that you deserve and are worthy of a life that feeds your soul and having relationships in which nourish you. It is unbelievably painful to feel betrayed by someone we love, yet most of the time this sort of betrayal truly has great purpose and it is when we look closely that we can see the change needed to transpire in order to give us permission to find the new beginning and life in which we deserve.
