Lessons Learned From The Emotionally Unavailable Man.

It is no secret that dating in present times is not an easy task. We live in a dating culture where terms like situationship, bread crumbing, and ghosting are prevalent. I have seen countless women excited about a new romantic prospect, only to be gravely disappointed upon discovering that the man was not emotionally available to them. I was no stranger to this scenario and I was about to learn a hard lesson in giving my love to men that are simply unable to return it. The following article is about the revelation I acquired from three different encounters with three emotionally unavailable men.

So, This is Love.

It was puzzling why romantic relationships appeared to be incredibly attainable for some, and the equivalent to climbing Mount Everest wearing shoes without traction for others. Personally, I continued to revisit climbing the relationship mountain in nothing but my slippers. I had thought that my luck was finally changing when I met a man that initially showed up like a dream. His name was Yuri and I met him at a popular restaurant chain near my house. It was two o’clock in the afternoon when he approached me and my girlfriend to buy us a drink. We engaged in a bit of playful banter until he decided to ask for my number. I was delighted to give it to him and even more excited when he set up our first date for the following week. I met him at the restaurant of his choice. He greeted me at the front, while holding the door open for me. He was dressed in an all black suit which hugged his broad shoulders effortlessly. This man was beautiful. He was tall with thick hair and long black lashes that enhanced his blue eyes perfectly. His jawline was covered in a short well groomed beard that made him appear ruggedly handsome. I was instantly attracted, however I would discover we had some major differences. He would reveal that he was only thirty years old which was eleven years younger than me. In addition to the age gap, I would also learn that he was Ukrainian, which revealed we had a cultural difference as well. Initially, I assumed we had probably too many differences to go past the first date, yet we also had some major things in common. Both of us had a love for God and I think it helped us to feel more receptive towards a potential future together. The other thing we had in common was that both of us had experienced spouses having had affairs  ultimately resulting with the dissolution of our marriages. I was well beyond the pain of mine, yet he unfortunately was less than a year out of his. We talked about this subject a lot, along with other things. There ended up being a ton of chemistry between us which I hadn’t experienced in years. As dinner was coming to an end there was this newfound excitement that I could feel between the both of us. After that night, our romance became a whirlwind. I would see him almost everyday. He would show up at my work and take me out after my last client for nice dinners. Yuri never let me pay for anything. He was extremely traditional which I learned was common in European cultures. The experience of this man wining and dining me, putting gas in my car, and just simply doing things to make my life easier was incredible. I had been a single mother for more than a decade and had become accustomed to taking care of everything and everyone myself. I can hardly describe the elation I felt from being on the receiving end of this man’s nurturance. I felt high from the love he was giving me. I remember one night in particular, he had talked me into going to get something to eat with him. I had just ended my shift and I decided to drive my own car and follow him to the restaurant. We were at a traffic light in the middle of a busy intersection, when he got out of his car and walked over to my window to give me a kiss. My heart sang as he pressed his lips against mine. I watched him as he ran back to his car and in that moment I felt unbelievably blessed. I could see a couple of ladies in the car beside me, smiling and pointing at him as he disappeared into his car. It was such an euphoric experience to receive so much romance after feeling so void of love for such an incredibly long duration of time. I drank every drop of attention he gave me until one day the cup he had been offering ran dry.

Not The Happy Ending I Had Hoped For.

There is no other feeling like loving someone and experiencing that person’s love in return. For the first couple of months while dating Yuri, this was my experience. Unfortunately, our whirlwind romance began to change into a painful hot and cold cycle. Yuri would not commit to me and he kept me a secret from his family. He was hurting from his divorce and he would tell me that he wasn’t ready to commit, yet he would allow me to believe that he eventually would be. When I asked him why he kept me a secret from his family, he said that they had a more difficult time accepting his divorce and that he didn’t want to add to their grief. For a time, I accepted what Yuri was offering, until I would feel overwhelmed with hurt and then I would leave. If I am being honest, I always hoped he would fight for me to stay and he typically would. He would beg me to talk to him and tell me that he felt like God placed me in his life and he just needed time. For a short period of time his words would suffice, until the pain of dismissing my own needs became too much for me. I finally mustered the courage to leave for good. 

Houston, We Have A Pattern.

I had broken things off with Yuri, only days before his  thirty-first birthday. I felt sad that I wouldn’t be present to contribute to making his day special, yet I knew I had to be strong and no longer contact him. Ironically it was only the day after I had disconnected from Yuri that I received a text message from Luke. Out of all the men that could potentially reach out during such a time, this man was the most significant. Luke was a man that I had known since I was only ten years old. We were never friends, yet his sporadic presence in my life was incredibly meaningful. Luke and I always shared an attraction, however we were never single at the same time. It had been five years since I last saw him. He was in town for work and asked me to join him at the local Chili’s restaurant to have a drink. Without hesitation I accepted his invitation. Like always, Luke and I picked up like there had never been any space or time between us. On this particular night I think we were probably both needing the same thing from each other without realizing it. I was hurting over Yuri and felt that it was only his unwillingness that was keeping us apart. Luke would reveal that he was getting a divorce. I think we were both seeking validation from each other that we were still worthy of receiving love. We ended up drinking a little too much and sharing our first passionate kiss. My thoughts were a combination of guilt because I still had feelings for Yuri and a cloud of confusion for Luke who I cared for deeply and did not know what any of this would mean moving forward. In the midst of my overwhelming thoughts of passion and guilt I decided to stop our little love fest of impulsive kissing. I told him that there is no way that he is ready for me and that if we continued it would change everything. He let me go and a couple of weeks later he would message me to confirm that I was right to stop us from going any further. He told me that he wasn’t ready and that it would have changed everything. Even though I knew that Luke was right, I felt a sense of sadness. In some ways he was just like Yuri. They were both offering pieces of their bread, but never the whole loaf. I wondered if there would ever be a man that was fully available to me. Ironically, as if life was determined to make sure I learned a valuable lesson in the lack of love that I had been receiving, a third man stepped onto the scene. This man was my father. It was a phone call between us, that brought all the awareness of why I attracted men like Yuri and Luke into my life. I will save time by not going into the details of this phone conversation, however it was a complete reminder of my childhood and the love I had been missing from my father.  These men were just like my father. They were both loving men, yet just like my father, I would never be a priority. It finally became clear why my romantic life produced a collection of heartache and disappointments.  

Healing For Better Outcomes.

I have learned that if something in our life is not working, it is best to self-reflect and see what we can change within ourselves. I believe we essentially attract what we are and that the more healthy I became, the more healthy relationships I would attract. I will admit that I was tired of continuously going back to the drawing board of self-improvement. I had vigorously worked on myself over the past fifteen years and although I had made vast improvements in many areas of my life, there was a part of me that was resistant to doing anymore work. After a time of fueling my sadness over my disappointing love life I finally decided that it was time to make changes. I had discovered attachment theory in my quest to heal and decided to seek out resources. I delved into a revolutionary book titled, Attached by, Amir Levine, M.D., and Rachel S.F. Heller, M.A. This book  gives an abundance of information on determining what one’s attachment style is and then gives guidance on how to manage that attachment style and potentially heal so that one can attract a healthy relationship or improve inside an existing one. The book consists of three different attachment styles that people have within a relationship which are listed as avoidant, anxious, and secure. The book includes two quizzes, one in which you can discover your attachment style and the other one to potentially discover your partners’ attachment style. I was mind blown to discover that I had an anxious attachment style, which I learned through reading this book, is someone who craves closeness while apparently the avoidant requires space. Both of these attachment styles did not receive the nurturance that they were needing, typically from a caregiver. The anxious attachment style needs someone secure to make them feel safe from abandonment and the avoidant attachment style learned to become hyper-independent in order to make themselves also feel safe from abandonment. What is interesting is that the anxious and the avoidant typically attract each other, creating a hot and cold dynamic. This book does suggest that both attachment styles would do best with secure partners, yet it is common that these insecure attachment styles report to not feeling any spark or chemistry with the secure (healthy) attachment styles. This is where the book is really helpful in assisting the reader in identifying the qualities of a partner that will actually compliment one’s attachment style. As for me, after reading this book, I am determined to date differently. I only want men that are emotionally ready and available for the love I have to give. My hopes in sharing this story and book recommendation is to assist anyone who finds themselves in unhealthy relationship patterns that yield only to frustration and disappointment. I believe we are all worthy of love, yet sometimes we must heal in order to realize this. It is not any of our faults that a caregiver may not have given us the love and nurturing that we needed as children. We must remember with time and awareness we have the ability to heal ourselves in order to acquire the life and relationships that we have always deserved.

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