We all have had some sort of idea at some point or another of what our ideal relationship will or should look like. Maybe you have or used to have an idea of the man or woman, in which you would commit and settle down with. I definitely had my own idea, which included a man that would worship my every word, and shower me with compliments without somehow appearing clingy. This ideal man would be spiritual, romantic, and there would be an effortless ease to our relationship. This ideal man and ideal relationship was definitely not what I ended up with, however as opposed to getting what I thought I wanted, I was gifted with the relationship that gave me what I needed. Here’s what I learned about relationships and why clinging to the mindset that you must have your ideal relationship might be holding you back.
Someone To Help You Heal
Sometimes the romantic partners that come into our lives, assist us in healing our past traumas. It’s as if they are the perfect component to bringing up to the surface, all the repressed and unhealed emotional baggage, each of us would rather pretend didn’t exist. Most of us don’t typically go around wishing for a partner that will one day help us dig up all of those painful emotions, so that they can be dealt with, instead we are wishing for a partner that comes perfectly packaged, never willing to invoke any of our negative emotions, however it typically doesn’t transpire this way, mostly because most solid unions come with a certain level of effort. One of my clients asked me jokingly, “why can’t relationships be easy?” I pondered her question, not because she expected an answer, but because I needed the answer for myself. I had managed to stay single many years leading up to my current relationship, and sometimes I would find myself missing how emotionally safe I felt without a partner, however there was a part of my healing after my failed marriage and one long term romantic relationship, in which I was never quite able to remedy alone. It was only after I committed myself to another relationship, in which I saw the parts of me, in which still needed healing. Every time I’d experience an off day or quarrel with my current partner, I would emotionally prepare myself for a breakup, however one of my partners strong suits is the fact that he is incredibly committed and loyal within the realms of a relationship. It was only when we were faced with challenges and disagreements, in which I was given the opportunity to see his commitment to me and our union, which in turn helped strengthen my fears of abandonment. If God had given me the easy partnership that I had asked for, I would have never known the parts of myself begging to be healed. It is when one is in union, in which we not only have the opportunity to acknowledge the emotional wounds in which hold us back, but also put into immediate practice of moving through that pain, in order to create a new and healthier experience.
Adapting A New Perspective
Often times our ideal relationship include someone who embodies our own similar qualities and interests, yet this is not always what we receive. We have all heard the saying, “opposites attract,” and more often than not, we see this to be true among couples. The benefit of uniting with a partner who isn’t an exact replica of you, is that you have the opportunity to gain a new perspective on life and the world around you. To some degree we are influenced by the people we spend the most time with, and our partners are not an exception. You will influence them and they will influence you. My partner is an extrovert, and I am an introvert. He likes watching sports, and I like watching romantic comedies. He’s the kind of guy that will slap you on the butt with a greeting such as, “hey toots,” and call it romance, where I prefer a kiss on the lips and him telling me how beautiful I am. To say the least, we are different, however it is our differences that have helped me grow in more ways than I could fully explain. His extrovert personality adds a little more activity to my world, and as far as what we prefer romantically, we both tend to try to adjust a little to make each other happy, therefore I am a bit more fun and light, and he attempts to be a little bit more communicative and romantic. Besides our smaller differences, one major difference in which brought huge change and healing was how comfortable he is in his body and the way he responds to my body. I am not only a breast cancer survivor, but have had a double mastectomy with reconstruction, which has contributed to a level of insecurity regarding my body and intimacy. My partner has never missed a beat, when it comes to making me feel wanted, and more importantly normal. I had dated a guy about a year before I met my boyfriend, who was almost a little too careful when he touched me, as if I was made of glass and somehow able to break if he made the wrong move. This particular man would stay clear of my breasts during any hot and heavy make out session, which essentially caused me to stay in a place of fear regarding my body. This man was sweet and considerate, which is what I wanted, but definitely not what I needed. My guy now, who slaps me on the butt and pays no mind to my self perceived ailments, is what I need, because he ultimately lightened a heavy distorted view I had of myself post-surgery. The point is, we don’t always know what we need in order to become the best version of ourselves, and sometimes it is necessary to be in union with those who have a different perspective than our own in order for us to truly see ourselves and our life through a different lens.
With Great Effort Comes Great Reward
Often times, it is the things that we have given the most effort towards, in which we have felt our greatest appreciation for. Relationships take a great deal of patience, commitment and a willingness to be flexible, yet so many of us are looking for a perfect fairy tale romance, in which often times doesn’t exist due to the fact that all human beings fall short. It is important in these moments of trials, in which we remember to love without reservation. There is so much content that advises us of knowing our value and worth, and to cut out if we are not treated as such, and although I am not suggesting that red flags should be ignored, I want to address the reality of relationships and that sometimes our partners and ourselves will not always show up as our best selves. It is human to act at times, from a place of insecurity and fear, and although it would not be healthy to be in a relationship with someone who was living from this state of being all the time, every once in a while it is completely normal and should be expected. It is during these times of challenge that you may have to give more emotionally than your partner, and understand that this is okay. It is through the experience of a relationship, in which we learn what it is to truly give. All relationships teach us a manner of being giving and selfless, however romantic partnerships are unique in a way that includes a balance of complete vulnerability and emotional strength. My grandmother told me a particular story of her and my grandfather’s earlier years of marriage, in which they were spending time on a boat with four other couples. She said her and my grandfather, were the only couple to get into an awful argument that day, yet they were the only couple on the boat that would end up staying together. My grandmother was married 63 years before my grandfather took his last breath, and they had many moments of trial throughout their marriage, however you would never know watching tem in their last twenty years of marriage. They had worked through their struggles, and managed to develop a deep sense of love and gratitude for one another in their later years, which essentially is what we all are ultimately striving for. We live in a world of unrealistic representation, especially with social media having such a major influence as to what we believe to be true. People most often are not posting of their struggles, but using social media platforms as a way to highlight their best selves and a depiction of perfection. It is the influence of these perceived perfect lives, in which we develop an unhealthy idealism for ourselves and our relationships. It is in the willingness to let go of our pride and to love our partners through the not so pretty moments, in which we will reap the benefits of our tenacity and commitment to one another. As I mentioned before, this is not a suggestion to ignore red flags. This is simply a reminder that once you have committed yourself to a relationship, expect to have struggles, and remember that it is once you move through those challenges that you will have the opportunity to realize the truth of the love and commitment you have towards your partner.
Allow Your Relationships To Be What They Are Meant To Be
The truth is relationships are made up of many layers, and it is when we have set an expectation as to how our partner must be, in which we risk stifiling the natural flow of our unions potential. It’s through the act of giving without expectation, but the gift of assisting someone we love to feel more joy, in which we give our partnership an opportunity to truly grow. Sometimes after one has experienced a painful dissoltion of a once cherished relationship, it can be challenging to refrain from having a long list of expectations in future relationships, however these unrealistic ideals can risk acting as barriers to the possible growth of one’s union. It is my suggestion to try to come from a place of compassion and patience when dealing with matters of the heart, even when the partner you are dealing with does not. This will help allow the relationship to be what it is meant to be, by giving the other person the opportunity to show up and make an effort to grow and heal discord with you. Sometimes you may find your partner has no desire to contribute to the mending of a particular issue, and it is in this place you can then evaluate if the relationship meets your needs or if it is time to disengage. The point is, trying to control any partnership with a million expectations, will not protect one from getting hurt, but in fact may cause damage to the union, by doing so. Love is the key in all healthy relationships. Give your partners love and nurturance through the most challenging times, and see what transformations may occur.
