Most everyone has experienced the loss of a relationship in which they were not wanting to let go of. It’s in the release of such a union, in which we can find it hard to discover a remedy in order to aid us in moving beyond our emotional suffering. As most of us are incredibly aware of the inner torment in which heartbreak can cause, there is a positive effect that is typically only acknowledged in hindsight, which is the revelation that heartbreak has the capacity to be our biggest catalyst for change. If you can allow yourself to focus on this change and use your grief as fuel towards the betterment of you, then you may find that not only was it all worth it, but that also you were able to move past your feelings of loss and into a state of acceptance much quicker than you may initially have thought. Here’s how to do this…
See Things For How They Truly Are
The first step to letting go of anyone, is to acknowledge the truth of the relationship. It is important to understand that no matter who has initiated the severing of ties, some part of the relationship is in fact broken. Getting a clear view of the relationship and all of those things you had been pushing under the rug in order to make it work, need to be swept out from where you’ve been hiding them, and no longer ignored. When my husband revealed to me that he no longer wished to be married, I was unbelievably devastated. I allowed my mind to deny all the things that had been going wrong, and I clung to the self-made illusion that said we were perfect for one another. The truth was that he was right to leave, I had just not acknowledged any of the things that I was unhappy about, out of fear of causing disharmony to the union I had so badly wanted. I had been denying the fact that I did not feel like he was a partner to me, so much that often times I felt he was against me. We had been growing into different people, yet I didn’t want to see it. Only until I began to look at things for how they really were, did I begin to heal and move towards acceptance. I highly recommend anyone who is having a difficult time accepting the loss of a relationship, to write down all the things that were not working. It is imperative that you are brutally honest with yourself in regards to the discord that had been residing within your union. Once you do this, you may find that although you may be emotionally hurting, letting go of this particular relationship might just be for your greater good.
What Do You Want?
So, now that you have the opportunity for a new beginning, it is important to know, what it is that you want. Now, for all of you who have just said silently in your head, “I want Tom,” or whatever name of your ex-love that you are attempting to move on from, I want you to go back to the list I recommended that you write on all the things, in which were not working for you within your last relationship. Re-read your list as many times as you need in order to get clear on the truth of why things may have needed to end. Once you have done this, I suggest you attempt to consider a life that has nothing to do with what anyone else wants, but built completely around your hearts truest desires. It is by figuring out what it is that you want, in which you will have an opportunity to gain a whole new focus. It is in the action of redirecting your thoughts away from your heartache and towards a future that brings you joy, in which you can allow yourself to feel hopeful. It personally took me way too much time after my separation with my husband to even begin to think about what it is that I wanted other than him, however it was this very action in which changed my life completely. I remember reflecting back to a time during my marriage, in which my husband and I were vacationing in New York City for the first time. I came from an incredibly small town in the central valley of California, and I had limited experiences outside of the small town I grew up in. As my husband and I were walking through the city, I remember having the fleeting thought that I had wished I had waited to get married, so that I could have experienced more of the world. Being in New York reminded me that there were so many possibilities, yet I had been so consumed with my desire to be loved, in which I didn’t consider any other options. At some point after my divorce I had finally come to the revelation that I now had the opportunity to do things differently. It is important to recognize that having the opportunity to do things differently is a gift. You can change so much when you focus on a relationship with yourself as opposed to another person. Embrace your independence and go after what is that you want without limiting yourself because there is so much better than clinging to a relationship that obviously is less than you deserve.
Building Yourself Into Something Better
We all have aspects of ourselves, in which can be healed, whether that be self-limiting belief systems, toxic behaviors and patterns, or critical self-talk. Post-break-ups are one of the most opportune times to take inventory of oneself so that you may figure out what truly needs to be cleaned up within your own self in order to attract healthier partners and overall experiences. According to the law of attraction, like attracts like. No matter what your belief system may be, I’d like you to entertain this for a second, that who we are in fact attracts similar people and experiences. I recall my earlier years of dating when I was fresh out of my marriage, it is not even a slight exaggeration when I say that I was a mess. During this particular time I attracted alcoholic’s and an array of toxic men, in which were seeking to take advantage of me in my state of vulnerability, however as time went on and I began to gain strength and wisdom, my potential suitors began to change as I did. I had one portion of my life, just after I had moved through cancer treatments, in which the men I dated reflected back to me my insecurities and uncertainty. A lot of those men were extremely superficial and hyper-focused on body image as opposed to core values. The truth was, at that particular time I really should have worked on healing some of the emotional issues I had post-cancer, and waited to date. Later on after much self-work, I was much stronger in myself however I needed to work on healing my relationship with money, yet I decided to get back in the dating arena as opposed to focusing on my issue at hand. Reflecting back to me were wealthy men, in which waved their lavish gifts and extravagant dates, with an expectation that one would have if he were offering a dog a treat in exchange for a trick. Let me be perfectly transparent when I tell you that I was in fact looking to be saved. Naturally, my time of searching to be rescued, blew up in my face, and I decided I had better figure out how to heal my relationship with money. Once I finally improved my financial situation and created a much more self-sufficient version of myself, I decided to try out the dating pool once again, and let me tell you, it had never been better. These men were good men with good jobs, looking for a long-term commitment. I would get treated to dinners where these men were asking all the questions one would ask when they are truly invested. It was great, and it didn’t matter if I found them on Tinder or match.com, they were all great. The truth is you don’t have to be perfect, because we are continuously a work in progress, however when figuring out how to have a better relationship experience after one has ended, I am telling you self-improvement is key. Remember figuring out what it is that you want, is your map. If you are wanting a man that is into health and has a body that reflects that, make sure you embody those same qualities. Although, it is difficult to not live clinging to what once was something we had hoped would work out, it is important to try to shift our focus towards ourselves and the creation of a better life.
This Is Your Fresh Start
Sometimes it is challenging to see break-ups as a fresh start, when all of our thoughts are focused on the death of once was. The key is to try to direct your focus to something in which excites you. Some people get really into fitness, looking to achieve their best body, which honestly can also grow one’s personal confidence and a stronger sense of self. Others have fully made the plunge into self-development, being their point of focus, reading books and attending an array of workshops and retreats. Whatever your case may be, I encourage you to explore anything that excites you and potentially builds you up. I know that times of heartache can often be the most challenging of all sufferings, however I can promise you that the weight of this time will eventually be lifted. I love the song Unanswered Prayers by Garth Brooks, because it’s the perfect depiction of pining away over someone you thought could never be replaced, and then finding out years later that it was a blessing because of what would replace that love was such a better fit. Have faith in what is still yet to come, and fall in love with life and what it has to offer today. Ultimately, if you choose to use this time productively, you could potentially create a life that goes far beyond what it is today, and find yourself thanking God for your own unanswered prayers.
