3 Lessons in Modern Dating I Wish I Knew Sooner.

It is no secret that dating culture in the last fifteen years has changed dramatically. There are countless social media memes and video’s of people displaying a distain for dating in modern times. I think online dating is mostly to blame for this. Internet dating creates an illusion of lots of viable options, creating a catalog of sorts, in which one is able to take their pick. Unfortunately, the perception of an abundance of choices causes a lot of people to have a transactional mentality when choosing a mate. Long before online dating was prevalent people would meet in person. There was usually an initial attraction or some form of chemistry and then plans to date would follow. For most, we didn’t feel like we had twenty more options and when you would meet someone that there was a shared chemistry with, both parties would go on a few dates and it wouldn’t take month’s for a commitment to transpire. The terms ghosting and situationship didn’t exist and it appeared that we put more effort into making things work. I was eighteen years of age in the year 2000, and as a young woman, I remember there being no shortage of men approaching me in person to ask me out on dates. I was married by twenty and divorced by twenty-eight. What a difference it was to date nearly a decade post my early twenties. I learned a lot of lesson’s when it came to matters of the heart. The following article includes imperative lessons in modern dating, in which I wish I had known sooner

Never Settle

So many women are guilty of settling for a man that they are not entirely into. We do this for a multitude of reasons, however it appears that the most common reason is that we are trying to prevent ourselves from getting hurt. A common scenario, would be a woman that was hurt in a past relationship by a man that she truly loved and was attracted to. Due to this past hurt, the woman will try dating another man that is not quite up to her caliber, but she assumes that this man is going to feel so lucky to have her, that the risk of him cheating on her or leaving the relationship are much lower. This never pays off. I am entirely guilty of this. After a painful divorce from my children’s father, I spent years dating various men that I had to talk myself into liking because they were so into me that I thought it would be my safer option. Literally, the only thing I gained was additional stress. I went years without feeling like I was capable of falling in love, which only kept me in a place where I lacked hope and felt unfulfilled. What is interesting, is that I did eventually experience love again and I did end up getting hurt, however it was worth it. I felt joy, passion, and a sense of being true to myself. All the men that I dated in effort to avoid pain, ended up propelling me to feel like I wasted my time. Out of every lesson I have learned in dating, not settling has been the one lesson that has improved my romantic life the most. If I am not excited to date a man, I won’t do it. I honestly would rather be alone. As I have mentioned before, it is a common practice for women to settle in dating and if this is something you have done or are doing, I recommend checking in with the level of fulfillment you are experiencing. If you don’t feel mostly fulfilled with your partner, maybe it is time to consider new options for yourself because at the end of the day you deserve to have a partnership that adds to the quality of your life

It’s Okay to Take A Risk

Once we have experienced true heartbreak, it is a struggle to be fully open to love. We may want it, however it is difficult not to be guarded. We are looking for red flags from the very first date, trying desperately not to make the same mistakes as we did in the past. Unfortunately, when we are so fearful of getting hurt, we are less likely to take risks. Unfortunately, this can limit our dating life in a major way. For example, think back to your first love. Most of us experience this in our late teens to early twenties and most of us threw ourselves into that first love without paying any mind to caution. We felt all the intoxicating emotions that falling in love has to offer, without any reservations. For most of us, falling in love for the first time was one of the best feelings we have ever experienced. Unfortunately, if we look at our relationships after heartbreak, many of us are waiting for the other shoe to drop. I do believe we have to be discerning, however sometimes we miss out on amazing experiences by playing it too safe. I personally struggled with falling in love by not taking enough risks, until one day I met a man that I knew was a gamble, but I just decided he might be worth my bet. The particular experience I shared with this man, was incredible. It was filled with many highs and also its share of lows. This man and I did not make it to the finish line, but the risk was worth it. I learned so much from him and although I did end up having to nurse my aching heart once we were over, I am so happy I took a chance with him. He added value to my life because there were things he exposed me to that helped me with raising my standards in the future with other men. So many of us dismiss the value of some of our relationships that did not transpire into our life partners, however sometimes they are the one’s that change us in a way that propels us to be ready for the time when our true love appears. 

Say No to The Emotionally Unavailable Man.

The emotionally unavailable man can be difficult to initially spot because in the beginning many of them can be incredibly charming. They even may appear really interested in the potential of a future with you, however this tends to change once they feel that you are emotionally invested in them. This man will never give you himself fully. He would be someone who would love to date without the label. This man would have no issues with a situationship, which will only leave you confused and heartbroken. There are many reason’s why any of us can be emotionally unavailable, a lot of times it can be due to past heartbreak and us not wanting to get hurt. Unfortunately, emotional unavailability is usually something that one must heal before dating. The emotionally unavailable man will give you just enough of what you are wanting, so that you hold on to hope that one day he will fully be yours, but in most cases he will never entirely commit to you. This is one of the biggest lesson’s I have personally had to conquer in dating. I attract emotionally unavailable men in my sleep! They love me and I apparently love them, because I have dated so many of them. For me, I believe I often have ended up with these types of men due to the emotional wounds I had experienced from my father when I was younger. It is proven that childhood neglect and trauma can follow us into adulthood and my fathers emotional neglect definitely has been something I have recreated in most of my significant relationships. I think the best thing we can do when struggling with a pattern of dating emotionally unavailable men, is to try to be aware of what he is willing to give you. If your major needs of commitment and a sense of emotional security are unfulfilled, I would leave sooner than later. I know that this is easier said than done. Just remember, if a man truly values you, he will not let you go easily. Sometimes, it is better to walk away and allow him the opportunity to fight for you, than for you to be fighting for him to give you what you deserve.