There are certain ages within one’s years, in which we all know mark major milestones in the story of our lives. We turn eighteen, and if a residence within the United States, we are legally considered adults, age twenty-one we can now buy alcohol, age thirty we have survived the growing pains of our twenties and made it out alive, a true badge of honor I might add. As we venture through one decade to another, we can only hope that all our gained wisdom wasn’t for nothing, and will potentially make our next years our best years thus far. In my own life story, I was now venturing into my next great chapter, my forties, and as I reflect on all the wisdom gained from my thirties, I can only wonder what this future ride will look like. The thing is nothing could have prepared me for the array of challenges and joy that I experienced in my thirties, yet somehow I was equipped to handle it all. It was in my thirties, I had healed from a heartbreaking divorce, discovered yoga and meditation, gained the strength to walk away from a relationship that wasn’t serving me, survived breast cancer, learned to be in a relationship with myself, co-lead an on-going women’s retreat, learned to be a more present mother, and maybe one of my biggest accomplishments was learning how to financially provide for myself and my two children despite no having a partner to help me. My thirties was packed with more growth and lessons than I could have ever bargained for, and with that, included here are four of my most life changing lessons I learned by my fortieth birthday.
1. Self-Care Is A Necessity
Many of us find ourselves busy with our daily responsibilities, in which often times we end up neglecting our most important priority, which is the care of oneself. We all kow that we feel less stressed when we attend that yoga class or commit to our morning run, yer sometimes it’s easier to bypass these things due to the list of excuses we create in our heads. The truth is we all want to feel happy and peaceful within our daily lives, yet so mant of us focus on external solutions, which will only create ease temporarily. It is important for us to nourish our minds, bodies, and spirits on a daily basis, that way we are more emotionally equipped to navigate through life’s various challenges. I learned the lesson of self-care during a time when my life felt as if it was in utter chaos. I was in a relationship, in which was no longer serving me, yet I felt unbearably afraid to leave. In an effort to get some reprieve to the stress I had been feeling on a daily basis, I decided to try yoga, which made an incredible difference in my life experience at that time. It was during yoga, I was able to let go of my constant mind chatter, and just breathe. My teacher would guide me through the movements, while adding words of positive affirmations, helping me to subtly replace my thoughts of worry with hope and then finally leading me into the final pose where I was allowed to rest and let it all go. Yoga was the beginning of me reaping the benefits of deliberate self-care. I scheduled yoga into my weekly mornings, somewhere between taking kids to school and going to work. It was interesting, how although yoga only consumed ninety minutes of my time, the benefits lasted well into the duration of my day. Yoga obviously didn’t fix all of my self-perceived problems, however it assisted me in rising above the challenges I was experiencing, which in turn helped me to see things from a clearer perspective. When we prioritize caring for ourselves, we are able to feel more peace internally, therefore all of our actions and decisions are made from a sound mind and because of that one, can expect to create a richer life experience overall.
2. Let Go Of What Doesn’t Serve You
It is through the practice of letting go, in which we make room for new and more rewarding experiences, yet this is not always easy to do. I learned this lesson well, as I made yoga and self-care a part of my daily life. The more things I filled my life with that were self-nourishing, the more in which was not serving me became apparent. At first I began letting go of small things, in which felt east for me to release, such as physical clutter and even certain junk foods, like soda pop, yet I knew what I needed to let go of the most and I was dragging my feet on taking action. I knew my relationship had went well past its expiration date, yet I was terrified to sat goodbye. It wasn’t that I feared a life without this person, I knew deep down my life would improve with this release, yet I was terrified of the storm. I knew to some degree it would be messy, I knew there would be hurt feelings, and on some level I would be the one to blame. I found it difficult to choose the day in which this felt right, however I ended up seeking out a life coach for moral support, and eventually I did find the strength within me to leave. After my long awaited departure, my life experience did improve and my days were more in alignment with what made me happy. I was able to be more intentional with what I allowed into my life. I could see my kids were visibly happier, most likely because they sensed I was happy and no longer weighed down by stress and anxiety. My days were my own, and I joyfully made plans in which would light me up, as opposed to doing anything that felt obligatory. I believe letting go of all that does not serve us is one of the top ingredients to creating a happy life. One must observe all that is no longer serving to their highest good, and discard it, and then from there try to be conscious of only filling one’s existing space with the things, in which will enhance their experience. It is not always easy, yet letting go will always reward you with the chance to create something new.
3. Forgiveness Is For You
We have all felt the weight of anger at some point in our lives, and although we might think that it feels better than sadness, holding onto anger harms ourselves more than we might think. I experienced the burden of carrying anger and resentment inside me during the early part of my thirties, after a painful divorce left me feeling worthless and betrayed. I felt emotionally beaten, and feeling angry and having someone to blame made me feel slightly empowered, at least temporarily. My husband had left me for another woman and every bit of my being clung to mere loathing for them both, however as time went on and I proceeded to work on myself, my perspective began to change. A large part of my healing process was to release the victim mindset I had become so intimately intertwined with most of my life. I began to see that my husband was only trying to find happiness, and although it was painful to come to the conclusion that his happiness would be without my presence, I ultimately made my peace with it. Unfortunately, for whatever reason, my forgiveness for the woman he left me for didn’t come as easy. As time went on, I chose to not think about her, however deep down I knew I hadn’t forgiven her. I think it may have been more challenging for me to let go of the anger I felt towards her, due to the fact that I didn’t know her. It was easier to create a story deeming someone as the evil villain, in which I didn’t know any of their history verses my husband whom I saw his many strengths and flaws, which allowed me more understanding, which ultimately resulted in my capacity to feel compassion. As I ventured on, I buried the negative thoughts I felt for her, because I felt it was the best I could do, however life had other plans for me. I had been co-leading women retreats for about six months, when out of the blue the woman whom I felt so challenged to forgive had asked if I would attend her and my ex-husbands son’s birthday party. I was shocked, as I felt everything I had buried resurfaced, and immediately I thought about the curriculum, in which I created for the women attending the retreat I had been co-leading. One predominate subject we would discuss was the act of forgiveness. Our whole program was based on helping women to create their best life, yet here I was only eating a portion of the pie I had been serving. I knew it was time to follow my own guidance, and accept the olive branch I had been offered, therefore I made the decision to attend the party, yet before I arrived I impulsively pulled my car into an abandoned parking lot, so that I could pray. I was nervous, it had been seven years since my divorce and I had refused to ever meet her. I prayed to God for strength and to create the best possible outcome for this situation. The birthday party went well, and from there on out I was given the opportunity to really get to know her. Over a course of several years, I even grew to love her. I believe my forgiveness was a gift to her, yet even more of a gift to myself. The weight of anger is incredibly heavy, and whether we realize it or not, it hurts us. I know how much sometimes we want to dig our heels in and cling to our anger because it can make us feel less victimized, however releasing resentment ultimately frees us, which in turn creates the space for us to welcome in better experiences. Give yourself grace and a lot of patience, for it may be a long road to reach one’s readiness to truly forgive, yet once you do, it is then you get to leave that old story behind and embrace an entirely new chapter
4. Find The Gift In Life’s Challenges
It is in our more challenging experiences, in which much of the time we are given an incredible opportunity to transform. The truth is life often times is responding to us like a reflection in a mirror, meeting us where we are at, and then out of no where, like shattering glass, a challenging occurrence forces us out of our comfort zone and leaves us with no other choice but to pick up the pieces. The truth is, our challenges can act as some of our greatest catalysts for growth and change. I learned this lesson well over the past decade, beginning with my divorce. It’s interesting to reflect back on the person I was when I was still married. I remember feeling content, yet not alive like I feel today. I was completely unaware of who I was, yet I didn’t realize it back then. If my husband had not left our marriage, I’m not sure I would have ever sought out my potential. Initially, I resisted change, diving right back into old patterns, and clinging to another man to gain my false perception of self-worth from, however it wasn’t long before I couldn’t hold on to anymore illusions disguised as my perception of happiness. As I mentioned before, I sought out self care in order to gain the strength to depart the unwanted union I had committed myself to, and it was during that struggle I had truly began to transform. By the end of that relationship, I had experienced an emotional strength that was unknown to me prior to that break-up. I remember feeling so free and so unbelievably proud of myself for having the strength to leave. There I was ready to embrace my newfound freedom, yet to my surprise, only eleven months after our breakup I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I couldn’t believe it, however deep down I felt like I would be okay, and with that, I began my next great challenge. It was through that journey I lost my breasts and all my hair, and like shattered glass I began to pick up the pieces. The truth was I needed that experience. I had struggled with my self-worth since I was a young girl, and losing everything that society had deemed as feminine gave me the opportunity to work from the inside out in order to heal my self-esteem. Eventually, my hair grew back and my scars healed, yet it was through that journey and even after that I transformed the lack of love I had for myself. All of these challenges, in which I experienced were, in fact some of my greatest gifts. Life is full of contrast, in which contains both times of challenge and ease, however it is when we are faced with difficulties, in which we have the opportunity to change course and look closely at what needs to be healed.
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